Being the non-biological mother to a donor child – Lisa's story
Lisa is a YouTuber and a mum to Teddy who she has together with her wife Lynsey. Lynsey is the biological mother of Teddy. Here, Lisa shares her personal experience being the non-biological mum to a donor-conceived child.
Becoming a mother has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. Made even more special because my connection with Teddy is not one born out of genetics. I didn't carry him inside of me, nor did I labour in pain to safely bring him into the world. Our connection is one he and I have nurtured, together. Our love for one another was born as he turned his head towards me when he heard my voice, even before his Mam, my wife Lynsey had been able to hold him, and has grown fast and deep ever since. I was literally the first person he laid eyes on as he dramatically entered the world at 6:01pm, one Saturday evening in March 2019.
Dreams of a family
Lynsey and I had been actively trying for a baby for eight months before our successful round of mild IVF, although dreaming of a family for much longer. Our grand plan is for two kids, and my wife tried first, not because I don't have a desire to be pregnant but rather she very openly wanted a biological child and for practical and rather boring financial reasons, it made sense for her to have baby number one. Age was not on our side.
Could I connect?
I was never worried about being the non-biological mother, not for a moment. I was blindly confident in my ability to love and care for a child born to my wife. I could never have imagined though, quite how deep that love could run, or how it would develop. Because it doesn't just happen. What I have learnt is bonds and connections are nurtured through care and attention. Through hours soothing and rocking (don't judge!) my son to sleep. This tiny, defenceless being didn't ask to be here, he was our choice and it's now my job to love and protect him. A job I take very seriously indeed.
While Teddy physically looks very much like Lynsey, he behaves like me. There is only one person who taught him to talk with his hands! When I see Teddy learn and develop it is clear we are in this together and in many ways, he is as much me as he is his Mam.
I can't claim to know if the love I feel is exactly the same way Lynsey feels. I don't have anything to compare it to. I know we react to him slightly differently, and I've talked to other non-bio mums who have similar tales. Simply put, I can listen to him cry in a way Lynsey physically can't… although when he's in any real pain, we're both a mess. To me it feels like our experience of being Teddy's mum is the same, but different. If that makes any sense. Lisa and Lynsey share their life with cute little Teddy on their YouTube channel Teddy Has Two Mams. If you don’t follow them already, you should definitely pay their lovely and inspiring YouTube channel a visit.
If you are curious about the process of how lesbian couples can fulfil their dream of a baby, then follow the link to read all about it and the different possibilities for you and your partner or start your journey by visiting Cryos free Sperm Donor Search.