Signe Fjord about solo motherhood and real families
Life does not always go as planned, but that does not mean that it turns out wrong or bad. If anyone, Signe Fjord knows that. Besides being a solo mom by choice to her six-year-old daughter, Signe Fjord is today an author, speaker, and coach on the subject of solo motherhood. In this post she tells about the choice of having a child without a partner, the benefits of it, and how she has talked to her daughter about the fact that she is donor-conceived.
Signe Fjord has written several books. Among others, she has written ‘Mommy and the Love Child’, where she explains the birth of a solo mom-child family in a simple, loving, educational, and fairytale-like way.
Was becoming a solo mom a plan B?
Becoming a mother is one of my biggest wishes in life, and until I decided to do it by myself, I always imagined that I would start my family together with a man. That being said, it was not out of need or desperation that I brought a new person into this world. It was because I wanted to, and I wanted to do it as a solo mom – if I did not, there were many other possibilities. I am grateful to live in Denmark as it’s a haven for single women who want to become mothers with help from a sperm donor.
I have experienced a few serious relationships and I am honestly delighted with not having had any children with any of my exes. The sheer thought of having my ex-husband or one of my ex-boyfriends over every week or every other week seems unbearable to me. The thought of having to share the upbringing of my child with an ex-husband is so frightening that I chose to go through the whole process of having a child as a solo mom. I imagine worst-case scenarios where we disagree on whether the child can have sugar in the first couple of years, on which school we want the child to attend, or on which language we will speak at home.
We live in a world of constant change and evolution. There are no guarantees. The fairy tales that my grandmother used to read for me are far from how my reality plays out. A lot of people live happily as singles. Not everyone wants to live happily ever after with the same partner. People change and evolve continuously, and it is no longer guaranteed that your parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary together. These days it is much more common with yours, mine, and our children.
What are the greatest advantages of being a solo mom by choice?
The greatest advantages of being a solo mom by choice are, as I see it, the legal aspects where the lines are straight. I am her parent and that is how it will always be. Even if a man comes into my life at some point, I will still be the only one in charge of the upbringing of my child, avoiding potential discussions. Another advantage would be that my child and I will be able to move to wherever we want and whenever we want.
It is also an advantage not having to deal with a potential ex-husband and ex-family due to a joint child. And once I find the one I want to share the rest of my life with, then he does not have to deal with any ex-husband either. Nevertheless, I am no longer looking for a father to my child. I am dating, but no man will ever become a father to my daughter. A man can provide with masculinity and influence, but I will always be the only parent.
What is the hardest part of being a solo mom?
It is no secret that being a solo mom can be hard sometimes. It’s hard to always be the main breadwinner and caregiver.
It is a constant battle to maintain the balance as a solo mom. I have decided to be a great and happy mom so that’s my goal. I have also decided not to yell. Therefore, I am working with myself a lot to be able to live up to my demands of what I believe is a great mom. But because I had so many expectations and high levels of standard I have had so much extra to give. Some days we run on pure survival and forget to brush our teeth. But every evening, we always talk about what has been the best part of the day.
When you are ill, and your child is ill, that is the worst. During times like these, your network must be in place. Lots of frozen soup in the freezer, cuddle up in bed and hold your child as tight as possible - and remember that “this, too, shall pass”.
You always need to be at least one step ahead with the groceries and households. There has to be food in the house because you cannot just go shopping if your child is too small to be home alone.
But the absolute worst part for me personally has been the fact that I have been so tired for periods, and for that reason, I haven’t had the energy to spend time with other people. I have disappointed many friends. I have canceled various parties and events because I have had to spend all my energy to get my every day together. This means that we live a very simple life in our family. We spend many hours together where we just chill out. My daughter has been allowed to use her iPad a lot and sometimes I have had a bad conscience about it. But during the Christmas holiday, my friend from New York came to visit us and my daughter spoke English quite well because she never had an English lesson. So that helped a little on my bad conscience.
Sometimes it also takes a little extra time for me to make a decision. For instance, which school my daughter should go to? I am the one who makes all the big decisions and I don’t have a specific person with whom I can discuss these matters. But I use my network and discuss the big decisions with many different people.
How have you talked with your daughter about the fact that she is donor-conceived, and what considerations did you make about it?
I have always known that I would tell my daughter that she is a donor child. I decided to go public with my decision to have a child with the help of a sperm donor before I even got pregnant, where I participated in a Danish TV program about getting a child with the help of a sperm donor. So of course, I would let my child know.
I have talked with my daughter about our family type since she was 2 years old. That is the reason why I made my first children’s book ‘Mommy and the Love Child’ which was written with the hope of helping other families consisting of a Single Mother by Choice and child or children who should feel whole and well-balanced. All children need to know the story of their origin since it is a big part of their identity. A donor child’s story can be told in many ways, and my book, the emphasis is put on everything there is, instead of what is not.
But I must add that it was not easy for me to publish the book. It took me 3 years to make it. Two of them were because I was extremely anxious about publishing them. Could I allow myself to write that mommy and the love child lived happily ever after? That kind of fairy tale had never been written in the world before. After thorough consideration, I released it. Not everyone agrees with my way of appearing, but that is because they have an old-fashioned way of thinking about family. They explain from the point of view of the nuclear family and question why there is no father in our family. But I believe all families are real families, and all families are equal. That is why I ended up releasing the book.
I have always told my daughter that there are many ways to be a family. I have also talked with many adult donor children and included their advice. It has been important for me to be honest from the beginning. We have nothing to hide or be embarrassed for, and I feel deep gratitude for the man who has helped us become a family.
More stories from people with donor-conceived children
If you enjoyed reading Signe’s story of how she fulfilled her dreams of a child through treatment with donor sperm, then follow the links below to read more interesting stories from donor-conceived children and parents to donor-conceived children.