Embracing the journey: How I fulfilled my dream of motherhood through IVF and donor conception
Dreaming of motherhood since childhood, Annmaree's journey to parenthood was filled with adventures, challenges, and the ultimate joy of welcoming her son, Hudson. In this heartfelt blog post, she shares her experiences of choosing IVF and a sperm donor, the emotional and practical hurdles she faced, and the profound fulfilment of becoming a single mother.
If there was one thing, I was sure of when I was a child and what I’d like to be when I grew up, it was the dream to be a mum. Of course, I had plenty of dreams that changed over time, from being a kindergarten teacher to a hairdresser, a singer, a dancer, and so on. But the one dream that always remained the same was my desire to have children.
Fast forward to adulthood, and in my early forties, I was still childless. My life had been so full and fun, I had no regrets, moving from New Zealand in my early twenties to live in London, UK. I’d travelled the world, met amazing friends, and extended my youth much longer than some other people my age who were long settled down with families of their own.
Yet here I was, age 41, and I felt a constant emptiness. The novelty of brunches, lunches and wine dates had long worn off, as nice as those things can be, they were a short-term fulfilment and I truly felt like I didn’t have a purpose in my life. I knew in my heart my purpose was to be a mother.
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Making the decision
And just like that, I made the decision. I was going to have a child, and I was going to use a donor. Never truly believed I’d actually go through with it, as it all seemed so surreal, and I knew no one who’d been down this path before. I’m just grateful I live in a world where Google can provide us with a lot of answers when one has a lot of questions! Through various searches, I joined forums, read blogs, researched clinics, and attended Zoom meetings and welcome evenings to try and wrap my head around the potential path ahead of me, using a sperm donor to have a baby.
I very quickly got used to some of the IVF lingo that seemed foreign to me when I first started down this path. I gained a basic understanding of the various IVF processes and the questions I needed to ask both IVF clinics and donor banks.
Aside from choosing my IVF clinic, which was made all the more complicated by the fact it was early 2020 and the world had gone into lockdown over the Covid pandemic, the process of choosing a donor was a big, BIG decision to make! I can’t begin to tell you the number of hours I spent going over and over various profiles on different donor banks. Every hopeful mother will have a unique set of criteria as to what they’re looking for from a donor, and how much information they require to feel satisfied in their decision to move forward. I was someone who wanted as much information as possible, and a donor that was open to contact when my potential child turned 18 (ID Release Donor). I felt strongly that it wasn’t my decision to make regarding contact, so choosing an anonymous donor wasn’t an option for me. The choice for contact, or no contact, would be a decision my child could one day make I one day read a donor profile on the Cryos website, and in my heart, they felt truly right. I loved their answers to the questions they’d been asked, and the comments the clinic made, and it didn’t go unnoticed that he had once been a very sweet baby when I saw the photos provided.
I made my decision, I placed my order, and just like that, the final piece to the puzzle I needed to become a mum was being flown over on a plane from Denmark to the UK, so I could begin my IVF journey.
The reality of single motherhood
Fast forward to 11 September 2021, my son, Hudson Sidney Scout was born via emergency c-section at a London hospital, and my childhood dream of one day becoming a mother finally came true.
He’s now almost three years old, and even on those days that feel a little longer and harder than others, he’s the best decision I ever made, lighting up mine and everyone’s world that he comes in contact with.
When I think back to that time in my life when I decided to go down the IVF path using a sperm donor, I clearly remember all the questions, doubts and concerns that floated around my brain. My family live on the other side of the world so I wouldn’t have as much support as some other mothers would. I didn’t have a career that would allow me not to worry about finances, quite the opposite, and I actually remember crying one day in a doubtful moment, wondering how I would even afford a pair of socks for my potential child!
I told a very select few people that I was going to move forward with this decision and that was enough support for me to feel like I had people to voice my fears and concerns to, yet also feel confident to keep putting one foot in front of the other to make my dream come true. And here I am now, with my son Hudson, thriving and wanting to shout from the rooftops that it is possible to be a solo mother by choice, you’ll make it work, and you’ll become more resourceful than you’ve ever been before.
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Making it work: Adventures and being grateful
We’ve had so many adventures together already. Experiences I wasn’t sure would be possible. But I wanted to show Hudson the joys of travelling, so we made that work by being signed up for a Housesitting website, and we’ve travelled to the USA for two summers already, staying in people’s homes and caring for their houses and pets. It makes it an affordable option for an amazing experience, and Hudson is a very adaptable toddler due to being exposed to travel and staying in new places.
When we’re in London, alongside working, we also dogsit in our own home, which gives us both the joy of looking after pets, but also some extra funds to help with anything we need. I shop in the sales each season, buying two sizes up for Hudson so we’re well stocked with clothes, but paying a lot less than if I bought at full price as and when we needed something.
Often there is also government funding if you meet the eligibility criteria within the country you live in, and that can also help greatly with finances and living costs. You’ll make it work, and there will be days when you will worry about how you might make ends meet. But somehow you just do. And even in those hard moments, it’s all worth it. I’m forever grateful for the donor I chose, and his decision to go down this path and be a Cryos sperm donor. Because of him, I am the proud mother of the happiest, sassiest, most vibrant and caring child I could ever wish for. Hudson is magical, and Cryos played a huge part in creating this magic.
If you’re planning this journey, just know that you will have doubts, fears and concerns about single motherhood. It wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. Those thoughts and feelings are proof of how much you care about getting this right and being the best mother you can be to your potential child. One step at a time, embrace the uncertainty and go make your dreams come true.
Annmaree xo