Fate wanted me to become a mom

How it all started

I have been single most of my adult life and was never the type of woman whose biggest dream was to become a mother. Do not get me wrong, I wanted to have children, but it was more a case of if it happens it happens. Luckily, fate wanted me to be a mom. I got pregnant with my first child the natural way, with a guy who did not want to have children. So I decided to do it on my own.

Becoming a solo mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. It has shaped me in ways I never could imagine. With that said, solo motherhood came naturally to me, probably because I am very independent by nature.

Thinking about the future

As my son became older, I began to think about the future:

• What would my family picture look like?: I knew my family would look different from the one I grew up in. My sister and I were raised by my mom and my dad, in a house my parents built on their own. I always thought that I would find a man and follow the same path as my parents - but that just was not meant for me.
• I had already started my own little family, so why not make it a little bigger by adding one more wonderful creature?: Considering my age, I knew I would have to do it alone. I would rather be a solo mother than rush into a relationship with a man, thus risking the stability of my life. I know it is a selfish act and it does not leave much room for the men, but that is one of the perks of being a woman. Again, do not get me wrong, I would love to have someone to share all the ups and downs with, but I did not feel that I had the time to wait until the perfect guy showed up. 

Fertility treatment as a single woman

It is very expensive to become a Solo Mother by Choice using donor sperm in Denmark. Especially, when you already have a child. I feel for those who do not have the opportunity to receive financial help for their second child. Luckily, the Danish Government are now discussing whether to help people struggling to get their second child.

What did not occur to me when I started my journey towards a donor-conceived child was how hard it would be psychologically. Every time I received a negative pregnancy test, I would be filled with grief and had to wait a month before I could try again. A month felt like an eternity and I held it to myself. If I could go back and do something different, it would be to share it with somebody.

Should I freeze the other eggs?

After I received a positive pregnancy test and was able to breathe again, my doctor asked me a question: Do you want to save the rest of the eggs for later or do you want them destroyed?

When I had to make the decision, I was sitting with my baby in my arms, and I could not help but wonder, what if the doctor had taken another egg? If so, it would have been my little baby that was "destroyed". But I had to decide, and It helped me a little to think about it as an abortion. Science is wonderful, and I am very glad for all it has done for me. But it forces you to take a stand on ethical issues which you did not have before. 

Being a solo mother of two

Many assume that single motherhood must be very hard, and I always tell them the same thing. I do not think it is harder than being two. Parenthood is hard and I do not think it matters whether you are one, two, or three. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have more hands for all the practical things, but you arrange yourself and your life after what you have to do.

One of the advantages of being a solo mom is that I do not have to nurture a relationship after a long day. Another advantage is that I set the rules and make the decisions for my children. I do not think one way is better, there are positive and negative effects on both sides.

As a solo mother, I get asked a lot of questions. One question I cannot figure out why people keep asking me is whether my children have the same father. Does a donor-conceived child have a dad? And when is a dad a dad? Are you a dad because you and a child share genes or does the relationship define whether you are a dad or not?

My answer is that it differs from one person to another. You get to decide for yourself what makes the most sense for you. For me, a dad is a person who is a part of the child’s life, and it does not matter if they share the same blood. The same applies to my children. They are not half-siblings, they are siblings - period!

There will come a day when I get the honour of telling them how they came into this world. When that happens, I hope they have created a bond that is so strong that it does not matter where their genes come from. Because we are a family like any other family. In this modern world, a family picture does not have to look a certain way - you get to decide your destiny. 

Other stories from Single Mothers by Choice

If you enjoyed reading about Lea's journey toward single motherhood, then we recommend you follow the links below to other stories about Single Mothers by Choice who got pregnant using donor sperm:

• Single mom by choice - the best decision I ever made
• Tanja is a solo mum to be - against all odds
• French solo mother Mam: “You will never feel alone again”