Life as the non-biological mother
Many lesbian couples use donor sperm fertility treatment to fulfil their dream of having a child. As only one of the women can be genetically related to the child, some may worry about their future relationship with the child and whether it will be similar to their partner's. We asked a lesbian woman who is the mother of two children her partner gave birth to.
Many lesbian women who use donor sperm to fulfil their dream of parenthood worry about the relationship they are going to have with their children. Typically, the feelings only last until they actually hold the child in their hands and realise that the love and connection between parent and child is natural and instinctive. We asked Mette, a mother of two donor-conceived children with whom she does not share genes, about her relationship with her children. Mette wishes to remain anonymous and is therefore only referred to by her first name.
Worries and thoughts before the birth
Did you have any concerns about your relationship before the children were born?
"I would be lying if I said I was not slightly excited. But I have always been fond of babies and children in general, and I did not doubt that I had found the right person to share both life and children with - so I guess most of all I was excited. We had also talked everything through before we became parents, and I think we just settled into it slowly and calmly.
I have not worried about it since."
Free children's book about donor conception
We have made our very own children’s book ‘Our Miracle’/’My Miracle’, as we want to help donor-conceived families talk about donor conception. The book was made with help from Cryos’ Donor Child Consultant, Emma, who is donor-conceived herself. Click on the button to read more about the book.
The relationship today
How is the relationship between you and your children?
"I feel like I have a really good relationship with both of our children. From the birth of our eldest, we have had a very close relationship - due to postpartum complications, I was the primary carer for the first week of our first child's life. Then I had a short maternity leave followed by a long holiday, 6 weeks in total. I think this greatly influenced the fact that we got off to a great start and thus a good relationship.
We have always prioritised putting both children to bed in turns and have been very aware of dividing the attention between us and at the same time also between our children to ensure that we both had an equally good relationship."
Is the relationship different from the one your children and your partner have?
"Our relationship with our children is good, but it is different, and whether it is a matter of biology is hard to say. We have an idea that my wife is more easily “triggered” by the children because they are so similar, which can sometimes be reciprocal, meaning that the children are also “triggered” by her. Here, I often become one of us with the most patience, even though I would actually think it was different based on our personalities - but about the children, that is often the way it is.
When our second child was a newborn, I found it difficult to be a part of the process - but this was mainly due to an upset little guy who just wanted the mum with the food in her breasts. From there, it has gone well. Our whole family shares the joy of sport, which has led to a lot of great moments with the kids - and still does."
In what ways do you think your children are similar to you?
"It would probably be easier for friends to judge, but I feel they are similar to me in behaviour. They both love to socialise and be out and about. And they both have a keen interest and desire to play sports. I have played sports all my life, so I have prioritized teaching them the importance of sports and the community it can provide when you are a part of a group that pulls together. To teach them that you can get good at what you practise."
Growing up as a non-biological mum
Have you ever felt excluded?
"No, I have never felt excluded. On the contrary, I think it is great that both our children have so many traits from my wife, their biological mum. I remember that during the conversation about choosing a sperm donor, we were asked what eye colour we wanted the sperm donor to have. We naturally chose my wife's eye colour. However, they physically resemble her in many other ways than just the eyes."
Has it been an issue during the children's upbringing who their biological mother is?
"No, it has not been an issue, but there has always been a lot of openness about it, and we have often talked about the fact that they physically resemble their biological mother and her family in general. Our oldest child, however, has always thought he looked more like me, but to me, it is more about personality."
Advice for other women in relationships who are considering becoming mothers to children they don't share genes with
"To those of you who do not have children yet but are considering becoming a “co-mum”: go for it. And to all you fellow mums out there – I am sure you are as grateful as I am to have a wife who has given birth to children for your family. We have never encountered any resistance to being two mums, on the contrary, we have found that it has been an inspiration for our children to create a family of two mothers when playing, instead of the often-used father and mother family, much to the delight of the teachers in the institution.
Prioritise time with your baby from the start - it makes a difference in the long run. I hope and believe that it is a general trend that it has become more acceptable and “easier” to be two mums with children."
Personal stories from other women in lesbian relationships
If you found Mette's story interesting, we recommend you follow the links below to read more stories from women in lesbian relationships who have used donor sperm to realise their dream of having a child:
FAQ about life as a non-biological mother
What do you call a non-biological mother?
A non-biological mother can be called whatever feels right for her, the child, and the family.
In the context of sperm donor conception, a non-biological mother often refers to the non-birthing parent in a lesbian couple. In two-mum families, both the biological mother and the non-biological mother can be called "Mum," "Mummy," "Mama," or other variations. Some families choose different names to avoid confusion, while others embrace shared titles.
Other types of non-biological mothers include:
- Intended mother: A woman who becomes a mother through surrogacy or egg donation
- Adoptive mother: A woman who legally adopts and raises a child.
- Stepmother: A woman who becomes a mother figure through marriage or partnership.
- Foster mother: Someone providing temporary or long-term care for a child.
What is considered non-biological?
Non-biological refers to anything not related to genetics. For example, a parent who is not genetically related to the child, like a co-mother, intended mother, adoptive mother or stepmother, is non-biological.