Tanja is a solo mother by choice - Here she talks about following her dream
At the age of 36, Tanja from Denmark chose to become a solo mother by choice. Today, Tanja has 5-year-old twin girls, and she has later also found a lovely man. In this blog post, Tanja shares some of her thoughts and advice to follow your dream and become a mother.
When I started considering whether to have a child alone, I postponed my decision for several years. I had countless good excuses for why it should not be right now:
- Maybe the prince showed up one day down in the supermarket
- Or there was just one festival I wanted to go to
- I got a leading position that I had to manage
- And then I had heard about lots of women who had had children late in life
- And I did not quite know if I wanted to become a mother
In reality, it was most of all because I was really scared to step into the unknown where I had no idea what was waiting for me as a mother. The only thing I could figure out was that it would change my life significantly. I spent 2 years thinking and thinking and then thinking a little more… I did not get wiser on whether it was the right choice for me. Besides, I constantly had a voice inside that told me I had to do something soon. At the same time, I dreamed of finding a man with whom I could have children.
The step to becoming a solo mother
But I was by no means young, so when one of my friends became a mother at the age of 40 using ICSI treatment, I chose to trust myself, and I began to take the first small steps toward becoming a solo mother. I was 36 years old at the time and the initial tests showed that I had quite low fertility. I had few eggs left and the quality was not very good. I chose that it should be now and that my dream of children should become a reality with the help of a sperm donor.
Becoming a solo mother of twin girls
Becoming a mother is by far the biggest and best decision in my life, at the same time it has been hard work both physically and for me as a human being and mother. My longing to have someone to give my love to disappeared like that. On the other hand, it is now hello to a life at home which was characterized by a lot of routines - and in the first years too little sleep. But one of the things I have been good at is letting go of mess and dust and taking a nap with the girls instead. The most important thing was that I could be a good mother.
Help from the network
Also, I have always prioritized that I could have time on my one once in a while. I have always worked very actively with my "village". That is, I used people in my network to help me care for the girls. In the beginning, it was only an hour or two at a time. Today I regularly have a weekend off. For me, that free space is extremely important, and it fills me up with renewed energy.
Finding the man in my life after children
When the girls were 2 years old, I started dating again. It was not quite like before. My dates usually took place as coffee dates at home in the living room when the girls were asleep. At one point, I met the man, who later became my boyfriend. We spent a long time getting to know each other without involving our children or families. It was in many ways a free space for me where I could have my needs for intimacy and adult contact fulfilled. Today we have been together for 3 years and we are involved with each other’s families. We help each other in everyday life and my boyfriend often takes care of the girls for example when I have evening meetings.
We do not live together and that works really well as we have children of very different ages. That means more focus on quality-time when we are together. At the same time, we can prioritize our families’ needs.
Put small actions on and step out of the comfort zone
I often talk to women who postpone their decision because they hope to find love and they fear how to cope with life as a solo mother. We stay in the comfort zone, where it is safe and secure, and where we are 95% of the time. The only problem is that you gamble with your own happiness. When women turn 35, the statistics show that our fertility drops quite drastically.
Just as I experienced it myself, many of the women I talk to postpone motherhood. They think they can find a solution without taking action. One of the strategies I work with is to take a lot of small actions. That way, the path to becoming a mother becomes less overwhelming and unreal.
Three tips from Tanja to act and move towards the dream of becoming a solo mother:
- Find communities on Facebook or Instagram for solo mothers or follow – or find women who are already single mothers by choice and share their lives
- Do you already know a solo mother? So spend time with her and experience her everyday life
- Make a diary. Start by writing down why you wish to become a mother